Currently I'm high, but high in a way where I need to do something to keep myself occupied, so I'm gonna do a journal entry.

My mom recently got medical marijuana, which she only uses on occasion to help her sleep. I feel kinda bad for sneaking into her room and puffing some of it when my parents are gone for a weekend, but I geniunely miss being high. It feels a bit ironic, but it helps me become grounded to reality sometimes. I don't get caught up in my anxiety and other stupid things my brain does and I just kinda slow down and take things in for a second.

It makes me think about how much I miss my one friend from sophomore year. He was honestly a very good friend, inviting me to smoke sessions with his other friends despite the fact I was very bad at being a good smoker. We'd hang out a lot, doing homework or talking shit about colleagues in our respective departments, or experiment with Reaper to make stupid little songs. I understand that he had to drop out, and it was really out of his hands, but he was giving me so much more to experience and bond with others than the friends I have currently. He was an actually good friend.

I went downstairs to get some ice cream and noticed how soft and comfy my pjs felt. I feel very safe and happy, it's kinda like someone is cuddling me. Considering how hot it's been, it's a wonderful feeling to feel such a blissfully warm feeling.

Oh, recently I've been reading the doujinshi, Kenji and Shiro-san, based off the What Did You Eat Yesterday? I kid you not, reading them makes me so genuinely happy. Granted, I haven't read the original manga, though I do want to. However, seeing the relationship between the two main characters gives me hope about a relationship I may end up in.

Shiro I find reminds me a lot of myself. He is someone who likes to have his own space, has a fear of commitment, likes to cook, and doesn't always like to make a big deal about my identity to others. Reading his inner monologues and seeing how he conducts his relationship with Kenji makes me feel a lot less bad about myself, especially considering that he too had some pretty bad romantic/sexual experiences. He does have a lot of love for his partner, but he can't always figure out how to show it or how he wants it, I find that to be very relatable.

Damn, I really do want a girlfriend so bad. I guess I just have similar fears as Shiro, having to adapt to someone else's ways, fearing that others will look down on you for who you're with, always expecting your partner to not treat you well because of what you're more or less used to, etc. But I do want to go back in and go on dates and stuff. It was kinda scary last semester, but I think I have a much better idea of what kind of person I'm looking for, and go that route when searching for a potential girlfriend.

The weed has kinda been kicking in in waves, and I'm getting kinda sleepy again. I also hope that what I've been typing doesn't read like complete gibberish. I mean, so what if it does?

I think I am gonna try to go to sleep early though, I'm already halfway there anyway. God, I can't wait to get some weed for myself when I ger back to campus. I really do think it's gonna help me with a lot of things honestly (as long as I don't do too much of course).