Man, feelings are weird.

I've had a crush on this girl for a while, pretty much since the beginning of this past spring semester. I remember seeing them in my class and immediately finding them hot. I only got to talk to them a little bit throughout the semester, but it was one of those things where I would learn something new and just be even more enamored. They may have also been flirting with me back a little bit? Honestly, hard to say.

I downloaded one of those dating apps, one that wasn't Tinder because I fear that app deadass. We ended up matching, with them actually liking my profile first. We've since kinda been texting on and off. Nothing serious, just the way I know they like it.

The thing that's holding me back a bit is the fact that I had a pretty shitty relationship my freshman year of college. I'd rather not dig up that can of worms (as I've had way too many times with way too many people already), but one of the things it left me with is an inability to trust my own feelings. My ex told a bunch of people that I am obsessive, and I don't know how to just be normal in a relationship. That is a shitty thing to say, but sometimes I feel that that assessment is kinda accurate.

I'm aware I can be an obsessive guy, and I've had some very strange hyperfixations on individuals in school before. They are not the fun kind of hyperfixation, they're the ones that consume your entire being. You think about them constantly, like literally it's almost all you can focus your mind on. You begin to do strange things to try and get the person's attention, and you are smacked with a huge wave of euphoria whenever they acknowledge you. It's extremely pathetic, really bad for my mental health, and I fear sometimes it'll lead me to do really bad things to people.

I will say, I've been getting a lot better about keeping stuff like that in check. I haven't had a full on hyperfixation on someone like that since I was with my ex. It's not like I'm not allowed to have a crush or anything, but interest can turn into obsession if I don't keep a close eye on it.

I'm still not sure what I want out of the relationship, and I think they don't really know either. But they're definitely someone I want to be close with, even if it's only on a physical level. I feel like we have a lot in common when it comes to being genderqueer lesbians, having pretentious Tumblr accounts, wearing vintage clothes, and just being incredibly strange and neurodivergent. Yeah, they got a lot of issues (and they do a lot of reallyhard drugs), but I also got a lot of issues too (though I don't do as many drugs, so I guess that's a green flag for me?).

I have absolutely no clue if this will even become anything, but as long as I keep calm and levelheaded about it, I won't let it sweep me into the deep end.