Becoming closer with my ex is kind of weird.

Our relationship has always been rocky, in a way. Things didn't end very well the end of our freshman year, and we essentially didn't say a word to one another in years. It really has been this past semester that we started to become friendly again. I don't really recall how that happened to be honest. I think it was him inviting me to a party he was hosting. I'm close with his apartmentmates, so it wasn't that awkward. We kind of just started talking again.

I'm still unsure how I feel about it. Like yeah, we are definitely different people than we were 3 years ago. Hell, our pronouns are completely changed since that time. I know for myself, I definitely needed to work on some shit. Get more in touch with my gender, my mental health, and what I actually want out of a relationship. I've learned that romance isn't really for me, and I've made some amount of peace with that. My ex isn't even attracted to women/lesbians anymore, which I'm sure has helped us to move on from each other.

They say nothing is more painful than fogriveness. Or something like that. I believe it to be true. Forgiveness forced me to confront the parts of me that made mistakes as opposed to projecting all of the failings onto my ex. It also made me realize that yes he did fucked up shit and yes he hurt me bad, but holding onto that bitterness is no longer benefitting me anymore. Considering it seems he's realized this in himself too, it makes coming to that conclusion easier.

However, I still feel a level of distrust. I'll be friendly, I'll hang out and have a smoke or a drink. But I don't think I'd ever bear my soul to him the way I did when we both identified as women. I think the reason is is because I sense that there are things that haven't changed. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what that is, but I know it's there. Plus, it's hard to warm back up to something (or in this case, someone) when they really did fuck you up mentally and caused you to have serious trust issues with those who were clearly not your enemy.

I don't know. I'm really hoping my paranoia is wrong. I hope he has learned the error of his ways as I did with mine. I supposed I'll only find out once we hang out later today. If the vibe is off, at least his apartmentmates will be there and I can just hang with them, or just ask to go home early because I'm not feeling well or something.

Be brave, do it scared. All that stuff.