I feel myself in a current predicament, where I am both too tired to work on projects but yet too antsy to just sit around and do nothing. I think I have a lot more physical energy than I do mental, if that makes sense.

I most certainly felt that way after this semester ended. I essentially overworked my already pretty exhausted brain, because instead of trying to be social and do something with my life, I decided to wallow in my sadness and aggressively do my homework to ignore the fact that I have no friends on campus and I'm actually incredibly lonely.

Look, I flat out refuse to go down a doom spiral this early in the goddamn morning. It usually comprises me of me calling myself a big loser, reminding myself of the myth that no one really likes me, and that the only way to deal with it is to just put my nose to the grindstone and patiently wait until I graduate because everyone is mean and sucks anyway at this college.

One thing is true, which is that I don't have a lot of friends. There was a point in college where I did, but one bad apple spoiled the bunch, and now we've kinda gone our separate ways. While people got more invovled in clubs/organizations and talked to their peers more in class, I essentially locked myself away in my dorm room and intentionally burnt myself out by doing nothing but focusing on completing my assignments. When that stopped working, I would watch video essays on Youtube with tears forming in my face because I knew I was miserable and yet I self-inflicted fatigue, so I both didn't and couldn't do anything about it.

I think this whole me doing "writing down words" is showing me that I need to fucking chill when it comes to work and my education. I keep thinking that in order to be happy, I just need to add more social things to my plate. The reality is that I need to also take work off my plate as well. Just adding more to something that's already quite full is not going to solve the problem. It'll probably make it worse honestly.

At least I have friends at home. I've already hung out with them more than once and I've only been home a week. And they're really good friends. Having them around I think will help me establish a balance that I can use for when the next year of classes rolls around. But even if I don't, it's just good to actually surround yourself with people who actually want to spend time with you.

But really, I need to not be so hard on myself about everything. If I don't get a million projects done this summer, its not the end of the world. Maybe I just need to go on more walks to clear my head.