For a little while, I've been thinking about gender and my extremely weird relationship between it and my body.

To add some context, I am not on any form of HRT. I would like to be on testoterone, but I wonder if I'd want to be on a low dose or not. However, I do have some strange hormone stuff going on that no one has been able to figure out yet. While my body is overall feminine, I am also quite hairy. I just kind of have a lot of course hair everywhere, especially when I don't shave. Over the past two years I've noticed that I'm actually growing facial hair. It's extremely patchy and the thickest is only on my neck and lower jaw. But its there. It's probably PCOS, but I haven't seen a gynecologist yet, so I won't know until I finally go see them.

I'm not strictly vowing to the "No Shave November" challenge, but I'm trying to see how I feel when I grow out as much of my facial hair as possible. It looks amusingly horrible. It is mostly on my neck, and it is not consistent as to how much hair is on either side. It is also so incredibly itchy, I can't help but scratch or pick at my neck. I probably should shave it soon.

The thing is is that it does kind of give me gender. As much as I would prefer to be smooth faced, it gives me some happiness that I can actually grow any kind of facial hair at all without being on HRT. The fact that I have to shave my face makes me feel more masculine than actually growing a beard or anything.

The two things I'd like to change about my body is my voice and probably my hips. Those two things give me the most dysphoria to be honest. I've been trying to do some of my own vocal training to lower my voice, especially because I believe I have the capability. My hips though, there's not much I can do about that sadly.

Testosterone would definitely help with the voice stuff. It would probably also kill my periods, which don't actually give me much dysphoria but it would be cool not to have that anymore. I'm unsure if it would do much for my hips though, maybe a little?

My gender is extremely complicated. However, I know that I just want to be perceived as a funky dude in public. I know when I get my hair cut short, the chances of that happening skyrocket. It really does make me happy when someone refers to me as "he" or as a general guy, even if I can't simply reduce my gender identity to simply those two things.

Gender is weird. The best way to describe it as "butch". I don't identify as a woman, but calling myself a man doesn't feel right either. I am a big fan of presenting as masculine, and I don't really feel attached to womanhood or anything like that. However, I experience attraction to women/fem aligned people in an extremely queer, lesbian sort of way.

I do want to discuss my identity more on this website. I think it would be good for me to fully digest and become fully comfortable in myself, but to also perhaps provide a different perspective to those who may need it or wish to seek it out. My gender is allowed to be an anomoly, but I want to get better at talking about it, and feel more confident in discussing it. This place is a simply a void for my thoughts, so perhaps that wouldn't be such a bad idea, no?