Recently I've been thinking about how articulate and sophisticated I sound in writing in comparison to my speech. Of course, people tend to speak more casually, so that's not quite what I mean. What I'm saying is that what I write tends to project a sense of intelligence that my verbal conversations typically don't whatsoever.

See that's the thing that sucks about being autistic, or just neurodivergent generally. I am aware that I have an approximate amount of neurons that are wired to my brain and its cortexes, but unless I'm typing it out on a computer or writing on a lined piece of paper using a pencil, at first glacne that may not seem the case.

In more than one occurrence, I have completely forgotten what the hell I was even talking about mid-conversation. I stutter frequently, as if the idea I've conjured is trying desparately to escape my mouth but it's getting lost in my palate or tongue somehow. I use the word "swag" way too much. I also say "like" at least three times per sentence, it's genuinely humiliating when I catch myself uttering it. When someone asks me a question, it takes me approximately five minutes to conjure up a somewhat respectable answer. I never say anything in any discussion I have unless I'm absolutely sure I know what I'm talking about and know how to say it, lest I sound like a complete fucking idiot.

Do you see what I mean?

Perhaps I sounds way too self-conscious about it. However, I have an incessant need to prove to others that I am professional and capable and wise. I need to show these individuals how much of an adult I am. This was even before I actually became an adult and started the progression into performing "adult" tasks. The second someone thinks your stupid, they begin to baby you. You are immediately looked down upon as either lesser, someone who needs extra help, or both.

I've gotten my help, and I don't need anymore of it.